Sometimes existence is a vague thing that you cannot catch up with.
Try to conquer this word by carrying on, but there are those narrow paths that makes you obnoxious, firmly compressing you underneath what you behold.
It is nothing but a profound awake of coexisting amongst others.
Yourself is already a blackness with bile, having though to be in the position of competing each other is a further downright useless depressing reality.
What is the worth of a body, none, soul is greater than what you can touch.
What is more to live for when your worth of a life seems an air you cannot grasp.
How can you describe nothing?
How can you describe hating something you do not know the reason for?
Wherever you go you probably see reflections of yourself, it might be that it is not what you see but you think you see.
There is no anger in it, less drive and more conjunctions led to this downfall.
One of the main qualities that can drop a heart.
Looking towards myself I recognise that I lack of options, yesterday my mind fell into this black hole but the day after I passed through it.
I made a new start, but, be that as it may, foolishness or ignorance brought me again to the same context.
A dead end that I tend to adapt by escaping from the window.
Silently walked away like nothing ever happened.
Did that also happened to you?
I am sure it did.
It's easy.
You don't' actually walking away from the problem, you simply press mute while you figuring out how to solve it.
By then you already have something new to keep you occupied, and after a while, mute steadily building up it's voice so you can repeat the same loop.

Repeat after me :

I am an autonomous blackness with bile

I want to conquer

I want to dominate further than myself

I am a human that walks onto hopes

Desires to get what I want without giving

I am a fool to be

a fool to exist.

Contradictions are always there as if they will ever change the wonder of inhabiting an identified body.
Being petrified once you get consumed by someone else's black hole.

Με ξέρεις καλά για να μακρυγορώ
είναι μεγάλη η αγάπη μου για το άτομο σου
εαν δεν μπορείς να την πάρεις θα την αφήσω να φύγει.
Όταν σηκώνω τα μάτια μου στο βλέμα σου καταπιάνομαι στην αμφιβολία σου
και γιατί όχι; ποιός δεν αμφισβήτησε αυτό που είδε.
Ενίοτε έπιανε τα χαμηλά γιατί δεν ήξερε πως μπορούσε να πιάσει παραπάνω.
Για αυτό είμαι εδώ να τοποθετηθώ και με ειλικρίνεια να υπολογίσω τις ζημιές, καθώς όταν θα πλαγιάσω το βράδυ θέλω να στεριθώ κάθε αγωνία που μαραζώνει το μέσα μου.
Είναι κάτι συνηθισμένο, να σκοτώνουμε το μέσα μας, δεν μπορεί να γραφτεί αλλά μένει στο νού όταν απολογίζεσαι τα χαμένα.
Θα πνιγεί, σιωπηλά θα ταξιδέψει εκεί που πηγαίνουν και όλες οι υπόλοιπες.
Ταπεινά πονώ εαν θα σε σωπάσω.
Εάν έτσι φέρω σε εσένα αναπνοή, εμένα θα με περισσέψει.

Τον κοίταξα με κοίταξε και με τα χέρια στο στέρνο είπαμε το γειά.
Το πιο άβολο αντίο που έχω πεί.
Αύριο - εδώ
Θα τα πούμε εδώ - αύριο.
Αλλά και τι να πείς, κουνάς το κεφάλι και χαμογελάς, εν γνώση.
Τόσες στιγμές πέρασαν απο μπροστά μου και μου είπαν αντίο.
Εκείνη την στιγμή συνηδειτοποίησα την αποχώρηση, την αρχή της ζωής μου.

Δεν θέλω, αλλά ετσι φαίνεται.
Δεν είναι πια στιγμές, είναι πλεόν αναμνήσεις, μακρινές και όμορφες.
Αμφιβολίες απομακρύνονται
είναι κατατεθειμένος αλλού.

Αντίο φίλε μου,
θα τα ξαναπούμε στον "μας" κύκλο.

Abuse becomes familiar and a sweet memory
Abuse comes straight from your eyes
guess it blooms like a flower these days.
This betrayal wont let me go
keeps me questioning how does it feel being that kind of shit.
Although you still have no capacity
my fear cannot be embrassed
my morrow crawls in no affair
the sight of fear
how I adore
but the lack of it
I cannot contemplate
or so I've been told
the way it speaks
misses all the chills my bones had been counted
this human emotion wont let go
he is a right abuser
who wont even try to be a prime seducer
he is my type who comes with an ease
he doesn't even know how we recklessly contucted this grand finale
sincerely has sentenced the word abuse
it defenetely has been made for this
and you still have no clue.
Deception is on your hand
took me time to understand
the vivid of command
every wasted minute
is a wasted abuse within it.

I have spend several days at my house and I already feel suffocated.
Losing the sense of time
I am such a mess.

..
woke up in the midnight to pee
I don't want to go
I don't want to activate my body and start thinking again
but in the end I will go, I have to
the moment I sat on the toilet I started to think, then I have to be fast and run again to bed so everthing will disappear.

..
woke up again at 8
it's early, still nothing to do, still no point
I will stay a bit more try to puss myself to sleep
yet again my appetite for sleep is gone, just rolling in my tiny bed trying to find a good position
pointless
I am going to wake up again with the same headache and dizziness as yesterday.

I feel my body weaker, no energy to move myself around the room.
At this point food becomes more like survival instinct, an apathetic interest on eating is just how it is.
No matter cooking three different dishes my desire to touch them has allegedly gone.
Again, my acquirement needs silence, even then the sounds I play on my speaker is nothing more than a noise, conversations that in my mind are nothing less than
cracked empty words
but I still continue letting it play, on and off, I seek a company that monologue itself, and me, myself have no trouble trying to talk.
yet again night comes fast and unraveled.

I do not know where I should go nor what shall I do
I cannot discern what my means have accomplished
I feel defeated
lost in the mess of my mind
surely not pleasantly surprised I am a victim of my own fantasies

My attempts to sleep more and paralyze my body and mind blocking it from functioning have fallen out of hand
there are useless and unnecessary importand
as if sleep would erase all these horrors I see in the physical world.
It is only going to last for a bit
and then you will wake up and everything will be there, hungry and careless to manifest into anything your fear was meant to be
a trouble maker
a red shiny dot in complete darkness.

Then again I am not in a good place to judge and I could continue describing this form of distress in many different ways.
To that end there is no end

One's will become cynical while will disregard any emotional value that will perceived as unconditional

what is unconditional anyway?
I have heard it and I have felt it but in my offence
is just a joke
maybe not exactly a joke but still an expectation that has no way to turn, is only one way before it reaches nothing
after all, there is no rule on how to play this game
because it is a game, a gambling to be precise, one day you will win and the next you will lose.

Right now I feel a slight relief, sooner or later an action must be taken
whether this might be a text, in spite that, it remains deeply in my heart, this notion of surrender that somehow needs to be excecuted
regardless the power of the result it has come into words that now can be spoken
my mind can follow a coherence
and this coherence shall bring a light in my suffering.

Coming to the recent years, I reflect
it is requeried to do
and this reflection has to be in all points of view
I was not that generous to myself
I never felt the need to do
I beleive that decisions and goals come with great risk and sacrifices.
Sometimes hapiness is one of them, strange but honest
but is this goal aiming an infinite happiness or an idea of a happy settlement?
This I cannot answer, this is something myself questions till now
though I did gamble on this I now come to face it as it would give me an answer.
It wouldn't
and perhaps it shouldn't.

This brings me in a position where I have no courage
rules that accompanied me for quite some time and stood along my side have now turn their back on me
now they seem to be values that I am no longer sure if they are acceptable.

Of course me just as you at some point we will become enemies of our own false theories
relatively speaking, noone knows better his mistakes than the perpetrator himself.




..
8 again and even so I haven't come to an agreement with myself.

To my friend that never reached,

Bounding in despair, I have been swallowed by the gravity.
Surrendered to the deepest of the hollow is the least unwillingless battle I can give.
I try to look around but I see no faces, I have no sympathy left.
No power to rule.
Settled, nowhere, somewhere beyond.
I am left with no agony, half misery half bitterness.
I a m o k.
I hate you for making me feel.
I hate that I love you unconditionally, even when my dignity has been forsaken by remorse
and for the most I hate myself for being drifted by it.
To the one who cannot be named, who lacks of any empathic value.
Him, whose conscious has never fallen by the wall of his manner.
He is the fight that I never won and I never will.

My dearest melancholic friend,

I dare you to joke with life itself, it is an utter comedy, a tragic death of our own idea about life.
Unfulfilled and yet still undesired, life, in such a peculiar way shows her real face, I can see now, no man can cheat happiness.
No man can be enough.
We fight one another in a battle that has been already defeated by ourselves, our fears and ego.
Which land can sustain such tragedy and which capacity can bare it?
Less than a human and more like an animal the will grows spiral, imagination is the extend or the safe trap for all this hollowness.
My friend, whose dreams and desires shattered unexpected we still fight for something greater than this.
It is our lives that need to be protected and bare that our existence will meet happiness at last.

For my incompetent comfort to understand
and my will to love

Foteini